


Adding Gall To Wormwood

by Thia (Jennaria)



Category: Toy Soldiers (1991)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-17
Updated: 2009-04-17
Packaged: 2017-10-05 08:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jennaria/pseuds/Thia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The continuance of deep grief, as expressed in a series of emails, December 1994.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Adding Gall To Wormwood

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from a Latin proverb: "Grieving for misfortune is adding gall to wormwood." And just in case: all spoiler warnings in effect.

From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu  
To: wtepper@harvard.edu  
Sent: 12/02/1994 20:08  
Subject: A private question

So how do you know when you're in love?

P

*

From: wtepper@harvard.edu  
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu  
Sent: 12/03/1994 00:13  
Subject: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)

you're asking *me*?

*

From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu  
To: wtepper@harvard.edu  
Sent: 12/03/1994 09:36  
Subject: Re: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)

Who else am I going to ask? My mom? Yeah, right: she keeps saying how nice Jen is, and how she enjoyed meeting her at Thanksgiving. My dad just says to ask my mom. And I'm not gonna ask my *sisters*.

I like Jen. I like her a lot. But she's starting to drop hints about wanting something *more*, like this is a women's magazine or something. And I don't know what to do. So yeah, I'm asking you.

P

*

From: wtepper@harvard.edu  
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu  
Sent: 12/03/1994 12:23  
Subject: Re: Re: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)

&gt;Who else am I going to ask?

how would i know? snuffy, maybe. or one of your friends there.

&gt;And I don't know what to do.

no clue. sorry.

*

From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu  
To: wtepper@harvard.edu  
Sent: 12/03/1994 12:41  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)

For fuck's sake, Billy, you're the only one of us from high school who managed a relationship that lasted longer than a month.

*

From: wtepper@harvard.edu  
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu  
Sent: 12/03/1994 14:03  
Subject: Re: (4) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)

yeah, because we're all fucked in the head. especially me. Or hasn't snuff given you the 'we gotta find billy another guy' speech?

plus that was *in* high school. half the guys in my frat got dumped their first year of college. one guy had even followed her here.

*

From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu  
To: wtepper@harvard.edu  
Sent: 12/03/1994 15:47  
Subject: Re: (5) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)

&gt;or hasn't snuff given you the 'we gotta find billy  
&gt;another guy' speech?

Snuffy's even more fucked in the head than you are.

I don't know how long it would've lasted. Maybe you would've broken up. Maybe you would've stuck together. I'm not gonna second-guess the dead, Billy. That's not the point. The point is that you and Joey clicked so fast that nobody even bothered asking since when you were gay. You *knew*. I'm asking *how* you knew.

And stop being an idiot and go see a shrink, will you? Snuffy won't stop being an asshole, but he'll at least stop being an asshole about that.

*

From: wtepper@harvard.edu  
To: ndonoghue@princeton.edu  
Sent: 12/03/1994 22:26  
Subject: Re: (6) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question)

what the fuck was snuffy telling you? i *am* seeing a shrink, thanks, mom. snuff just thinks I should be 'processing your grief and moving on,' and since i'm not, he says i should *change* shrinks.

&gt;I'm asking *how* you knew.

knew what? i knew i was bi before i came to regis. don't know about j: it didn't come up. he never freaked out, so he must've known before we met, too.

we knew. that's all. we just knew.

fuck you for asking anyway.

*

From: ndonoghue@princeton.edu  
To: wtepper@harvard.edu  
Sent: 12/04/1994 00:02  
Subject: READ THIS (was Re: (6) you've got to be kidding me (was Re: A private question))

I'd say I'm sorry if I thought you'd listen. But you won't.

Fuck it. I *am* sorry.

I miss him, too, you know. Which is screwed up for a guy I only knew for two years, but like you said a little earlier, we're all fucked in the head after what happened.

(Still don't know what I'm doing with Jen. But I just realized I never told her about Regis. Guess that says something, too.)

Take care of yourself, Billy. I don't wanna get another phone call like the last one, but for fuck's sake, call if you gotta.

...shit.

P

-end-


End file.
